sightings

what am I trying to prove

who am I
and what do I want
why am I doing the things I want to do

累

so tired of having these feelings come and go, so tired of struggling, so tired 

maybe it’s just me…something needs to change and it has to start from myself

key to happiness

the past few weeks have been rough, to say the least. an epiphany of sorts:

1. be patient, be loving, be kind

2. have a good heart, don’t harbour ill-intentions

3. stay true

4. if you’re going to trust, trust wholeheartedly

5. having the right mindset is key. don’t think ‘what if’—alot of things are beyond your control. so what if there is a possibility of things not turning out the way you want them to? “if there’s something you can do about it, why worry? if there’s nothing you can do about it, why worry?”

7. be mindful—never let emotions control you. and as tempting as it is to indulge in them, don’t. distract yourself if you can because most of the time it’s not worth it. you could be so much more productive

8. be self-assured, don’t let insecurity consume you—do things that make you feel good as a person. most of the time it’s that tiny devil telling you all sorts of things you don’t want to hear but you really just have to flick it away like you would a mosquito

9. be confident and happy. if you find it difficult to be, then ‘fake it til you make it’—wisest words i’ve heard all week

10. try to look at the big picture. kinda vague huh what’s the big picture…um something like, ok this is what you’re feeling now, at this point in time. how significant is it when you look at your life span? is it worth feeling sad and upset over this? no? refer to point 9.

a few of them are pretty repetitive…and points made without explanation are hardly points at all…but. whatever. i need to stop doubting myself, stop thinking ahead because it does no good at all. i always destroy myself. once again, i feel a sense of calmness and serenity. calm after the storm. hope that was the mother of storms and stillness will be permanent

then again. what is permanence. nothing is permanent everything changes. constant flux

i wish i had the ability to compartmentalise feelings. my feelings are always all over the place. i just need a set of rigid rules to fall back on. truths. metanarratives if you like, you sociology student. need to stay grounded. people will disappoint you—so suck it. sometimes your best just isn’t enough—suck it. everything happens for a reason…suck it

running on 2 hours of sleep and not a single proper meal, i might be wrong…

i will be more disciplined. it is the most important value alongside resilience. i feel sure now, sure of what i want, sure of what matters to me. but there are times these feelings of certainty go away and i feel unsettled and totally unsure of what is important. i wish i could feel certain all the time. i guess this is what it means to be human. if it were so easy, it wouldn’t be fun anymore. if everyone knew the meaning of life, noone would look for it anymore. everyone would just want to die because life is so boring and meaningless. the meaning of life is to find meaning (or just simply, cherish who/what you have). well played, man up there, well played

strength

my strength came from knowing. now that i don’t, i am like…a tightrope cut in half, hanging mid-air, i don’t work anymore, cannot be fixed and even if i were i can never be compared to new tightropes that work perfectly well i can never be trusted

shit is everywhere

get your shit together 

am

so

dis 

illu

sioned

i convince myself that i’m such a shitty person that i don’t know how to love myself anymore. gave so much of myself away because i wanted you to be happy i wanted you to believe that i loved you, and that i cared for you

but i end up hurting myself

how does this work

tell me again 

tell me if it can

fuck i’m such a weakling

need to prove myself wrong

and find myself again

monday bloohoos

i am exhausted

i feel underappreciated

i know you are exhausted too

and you feel underappreciated too

so i don’t know what’s best

maybe i am vicitimising myself 

maybe i am too selfish

but this is too tiring

i don’t know why these silly nitty gritties always get in the way

i feel like, it’s not me, it’s you

(you think, what’s new about the way you think, you never think you’re wrong)

that is all

home

so today I spent awhile in town running errands, shopping for bak2skool things, and I realised how I know this place like the back of my hand and am able to do things efficiently…I knew where to get whatever I needed so I covered lots of ground in really little time, and also knew where the most comfortable place to shop would be (least crowd, most stocks, etc) haha but I guess I’ll be quick to pick up on these details in foreign land quick enough cuz…shopping is a LIFELONG SKILL Y’ALL. will have to explore my new ‘home’ a bit before I can be as efficient but i guess I am looking forward to discovering places!

excited about school, looking forward to being a student again whee